4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
<—- homeless romantic
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.