Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
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I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.