Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
You Might Also Like
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.