girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty