I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
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Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?