Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
You Might Also Like
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.