“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.