People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.