I just tested negative for patience.
You Might Also Like
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.