Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
no regrets
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
This line from Airplane.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Poetry is my passion
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.