Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
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moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485