It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
You Might Also Like
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
gentlemen, hear me out
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.