When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
One venti cheeseburger please.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.