Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
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Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?