Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?