My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
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Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
When you let grandma cat sit
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……