All my small talk is done with a car horn.
You Might Also Like
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf