Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!