*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
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I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”