Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.