Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys