[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Safety first
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
She puts the hot in psychotic
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.