A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
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my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.