Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
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Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!