HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.