“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
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Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.