When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would