women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”