If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.