*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
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My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!