Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
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[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable