I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
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Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.