Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
You Might Also Like
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive