One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Shortcut
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…