“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
You Might Also Like
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower