if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
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Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Thursday
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25