I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.