How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
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What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.