He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
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my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Mad Max: Furry Road
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
That was easy.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.