A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.