If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back