Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Siri, fight Alexa.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.