Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.