Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
You know…for fall…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.