My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
man i love columbo
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.