Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
A leaf blower, but for people.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
relationship goals
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.