I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
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Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.