Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
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Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
They’re on their honeymoon
What a website
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun