I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special