Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Just parrot things
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Breaking news:
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?